Sunday, February 5, 2012

In Defense of Introverts

This post has been a long time in the making, but probably spurs from that night some months ago when I came home from a large gathering where my own social limitations had been particularly obvious to me and said to my husband, “Why did God make introverts!?”

I should probably explain that by “intovert” I am not talking about anti-social unabomber types. I merely refer to those of us who are more private than outgoing, who are more energized by alone time than social gatherings, who prefer small groups of close friends to large parties, who do not rush to answer the phone or door, and who would rather jump off a cliff than host a big social gathering.

This is not to be disparaging to extroverts. In fact, some of my most favorite people are extroverts. We have had good friends over the years who have had us over regularly for social gatherings. These are the kind of people who make small talk easily, and know how to create an atmosphere of hospitality, good food, and conversation. I have watched others who easily take command of conversations, and aren’t afraid to stand out in a crowd. I have one sister who holds Halloween costume parties and murder mystery dinners at her house, and loves it. I have another sister who is so unembarrassed, comfortable, and energized by the presence of others that she has taken it upon herself to entertain the world—and she does. It was my brother and I, on the other hand, who used to hide in the kitchen when people came to visit (when we were past old enough to know better) and hope we wouldn’t be called out to ‘say hello.’

As I mentioned before, I have been aware of how my introversion limits me. I have been aware of it when different positions over the years required me to plan and host events. I have really had to get outside myself to plan birthday parties and social engagements for my extrovert son. I rarely want to go to church socials (gasp), and I often find that while acquaintances come and go, it takes me a while to make close friends. Introverts are hard to know well.

However, when I came home frustrated by those very limitations those months ago, my introvert husband not only sympathized, but encouraged me to remember the contributions introverts have made in my life. We listed family members, authors, and ecclesiastical and societal leaders who make great contributions through private thoughtful kinds of lives. In a world that values group work and ‘synergy,’ I think it is easy to forget the great value of individual thought—the kind of thinking that, rather than relying on others to fill in the spaces—works through the questions and complications through solitary focus and reflection.

So, I guess my defense of introverts is this: It may be difficult to get to know us, but give us a chance because, quite likely, we are worth knowing.

14 comments:

  1. Well written, fellow introvert! Particularly good timing as we had Chinese New Year yesterday and I found myself literally hiding in a closet.

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    1. I can just picture that Faythe--I think I know that closet. :)

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  2. Kelli, It has been so long!! How are you? I love the way you write. I have a little girl that is "quiet" and people are always telling her how shy she is. I am always looking for ways to empower her to be herself. It's strange how in our society being an introvert is seen as a negative trait. I just ordered the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It's supposed to be a great book on the power of introverts. I am always looking for ways to better know how to parent my sweet introvert daughter. Anyway, thanks for sharing your post. And for the record, you my friend, have always been one of my favorite people. It does not take long to sense how genuine, kind and thoughtful and FUN you are.

    -Lisa (Stanley)

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    1. Hello Lisa!

      So nice to hear from you. We are in Chicago these days, and doing well. Do you like Tennessee? We have some friends there who love it. Are you still using that lovely voice?

      Good insights. I'm going to have to find "Quiet," and, also for the record--you are one of my favorite people, too, mostly because you are so complimentary. :)

      Thanks for posting!

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  3. Fun and insightful read Kelli. I love it that you remember hiding in the kitchen. Mom and I have been known to do the same thing as recently as a year ago.

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  4. I didn't realize I was an introvert until I grew up and was out on my own. Then I saw how much I'd rather have alone time than big social gatherings - your 2nd paragraph describes me very well. But I never thought of it as limiting me until I got married and started moving all over the place. My husband often says: "Well, if you're feeling so lonely and bored, maybe we should be inviting people over for dinner regularly" - the thought of which makes my insides tighten up in a panic. Hosting. People swarming my house. Ugh. I love, LOVE getting together with other women and I'm thankful for those who love playing hostess so I can go to their houses. But I'd prefer a small gathering to a huge to-do. I like how I am, but sometimes when I'm new in a place, it does make for lonely times. It reminds me to look to my children for good, healthy relationships and try to let them fulfill at least a part of that loneliness - and that's been good to learn.
    Thanks for the post. Great, as always.

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    1. Good insights, Jessie. I know what you mean--I still need people, especially conversation with other women--but then I need to regenerate with some solitude. Thanks for reading.

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  5. I always enjoy reading your work. I never realized you were an introvert. I have always thought of you and Jeff as very outgoing people, who are great with meeting people and doing things with friends. It is always good to get to know you a little bit more, even if it isn't in person. Hope you are well!

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  6. Kelli, Wise and insightful and a very welcome breath of thought and intelligence today. I love to read what you write.

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  7. You most definitely are worth knowing! I'll tell you what you as an "introvert" have contributed to me in the few months I've known you: 1) when you talk, I listen, because I know you wouldn't be sharing if it weren't important. 2) when you thank, I feel sincerity in your words and from your eyes. 3) when you bore your testimony in your talk, I felt the spirit, because once again, your sincerity was so important. So Kelli, if you are an introvert, I'm grateful God created introverts.

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  8. Wow. Thanks, Emily. I appreciate knowing you as well. I hope things are going well with baby two!

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